#TheChubbyRevolution - @ShowTimeFred

The CHUBBY Revolution 

 Before I start, I'd like to thank my bro Migz for letting me infiltrate his blog this one time. My name is Fred. On Twitter I'm @ShowtimeFred. No fancy nicknames like the #RantGawd over here. Well there is FreddyBear but that's something we're just not gonna talk about. Anyway, I'm here to talk about something I'd thought would never happen in my wildest dreams. Something that I couldn't fathom or imagine happening years ago but my prayers have finally been answered. We are currently in amidst of a Chubby Revolution. Yes, you read it right. I know some of you are thinking, "What do you mean Chubby Revolution? Is there an underground cult of chubby people planning to rebel against society?". The answer is no ( that would be awesome btw and if that exists at all please sign me up). I'll explain it now. Chubby guys are winning. We are winning at such a high level right now. I dont know how the fuck it started to be honest. I can't even point out the turning point for us or who started it. But the past 2 years, my studies have shown an astronomical increase in Chubby Chasers. 753% increase to be precise. "Thats not true Fred. You're exaggerating. Chubby niggas ain't getting play." Fuck you and I bet your girl plotting behind your back with her fluffy best friend you bitch ass nigga. So like I was saying, it is our time. Everyday I see a chick professing her love for my kind. Every time I go out, I see a chubby nigga cuffing some exquisite jawn. Its a beautiful sight to see. I swear it's getting to a point where I feel like girls are saying they like chubby niggas just to fit in! To be honest, skinny chicks have ALWAYS been chubby chasers and we love ya. My first girlfriend was skinny. My first heartbreak was a skinny bitch. My recent ex is skinny. If you just saying now that you like chubby guys, you some hypebeast bitch. Shit is crazy outchea. By the way, this does not apply to short, chubby guys. I'm sorry. I don't believe any girl likes a guy that is shaped like a Little League catcher. Maybe if you have a beard you can get away with it. And what's up with the sudden love for beards? I'll touch on that in a bit, pause. Before I give my explanation on why this phenomenon occurred  I wanna take a look back on the struggles of chubby men.

Let's take a quick gander at the famous big guys of yesterday and today. RIP to the overweight pioneers like Heavy D, Biggie, Chris Farley, Big Pun and Roseanne. They were beyond chubby but were able to put us on. Then we have chubby all stars and legends like Kevin James, Seth Rogen, Majin Buu, Patrick Starfish, Jack Black, Carmelo Anthony, the whole Detroit Tigers infield, Don Omar, Joey Fatone from Nsync and my personal favorite, George Costanza. All are great, but never propelled us to the forefront. We did have a shot tho. His name was ruben studdard. ruben fuckin studdard. His initials don’t deserve to be capitalized. We were on the threshold of greatness and he fuckin flopped. We had a big guy that can sing his ass off and he dropped the ball. What a fuckin waste. Give me a singing voice and watch what would happen, but I digress. I’m still looking for that breakout chubby star. I think Hollywood hates chubby people. We’re always typecasted as the hilarious best friend to the guy that gets the girl. Its demoralizing. That’s usually the case in real life but you gotta give us some hope. Growing up chubby is tough. These lil bitches don’t like chubby niggas. And its like that up until your latter teenage years. I know a few niggas gonna be like "FOH I was getting bitches." You may be right but I bet my life they were ugly as shit. That don't count. You can't be braggadocious about getting ugly chicks that was the same size as you. But if you weren't one of the 7 chubby niggas that was getting buns, you were automatically in the friendzone. Every bad chick got a chubby best friend. We were considered sweet and harmless. We listen to all your problems and don’t complain about it. A majority of chubby niggas don’t even mind! Some of us were just happy to be around. Every chubby nigga done got hit with the " You're gonna make a girl very happy one day " and " You're perfect boyfriend material ". NONE of these bitches wanted to be happy I guess. It wasn’t until I lost 50 pounds when you shallow hoes started to give me play. BTW teenage girls are sooooo shallow. All they care about is looks. Personality doesn’t even matter to them. Young chicks will stick with a nigga that looks good or dresses well and totally ignore the fact that they are being treated like shit.That’s why all you bitter hoes are burnt out and tired of men by 21. Young hoes don’t like beards either. My shit was full grown in High School and it gave me zero edge with the ladies. Now all ya love that shit and it infuriates me. Where were ya bitches when was I was struggling!?!?! Ok I’m done ranting. I’ve made up for my lack of action in HS so I’m not that mad lol. Now when I think of the chubby revolution, I wonder if it’s just a fad or are women smartening up? I think it’s the latter and I’ll tell you why.

There are a few things that I believe sparked the Chubby Revolution. Reason #1 is food. Hoes LOVE food. Nobody knows food better than us. Its a match made in heaven. We know ALL the food spots. I'm known in certain establishments, like Chipotle. I know some of ya panties is soaking right now cuz chicks LOVE Chipotle. I'm a regular at the Chipotle in Astor Place. I can get you extra chicken in that burrito bowl boo. Now you're mine forever. Reason #2 is skinny niggas. Thank you for continuously treating your girl like shit. Thank you for looking malnourished. Females are getting wiser. They want someone that resembles a man. They want someone thats gonna treat them good rather than a good LOOK. It also helps that most of us chubsters have great personalities. They also want comfort and hoes love to cuddle. Who better to cuddle with? My cuddle rating is at a respectable 94. They appreciate my dormant layers of relaxed "muscle". Reason #3 is girls are getting tired. They ain't with the games anymore. Chubby niggas don't play. None of us cheat. It's a fact. We can't afford to. Niggas been riding the bench for years and now we finally getting a chance to start. A lot of us done found the girl of our dreams. You think we fuckin this shit up? Only ruben studdard can. Like I said before, we are the safe option. These chicks done went out with a chubby nigga after a harsh breakup and done accidentally stumbled in the promised land. They ain't turning back. Chubby is the new black! Reason #4 is this myth that chubby niggas are master cunninlinguists. I'd like to think I am. I always eat it at an All Madden level. But I'm also Puerto Rican, so it's natural to me. I also have a nice thick bea...nvm this isn't about me. So yea chubby guys are stuck with that stereotype and that's never not a bad thing. What broad doesn't like some bomb ass head? The reason we're good is because most of us couldn't get past 3rd base. Niggas was gladly eating it for free and getting NOTHING in return (not me tho. I'm sticking wit the puerto rican story). I knew a few lucky chubby guys back in the day that were doing that and were perfectly happy. Shit I would have been too. BUT NOW WE TAKING DIPS IN THE POOL NIGGA! Those struggle days are over.
   This isn't a phase. Chubby guys are here to stay. But let me reiterate this one more time; if you're under 5'8 then this doesn't apply to you. You all look like Cartman from South Park. Girls don't like short niggas to begin with let alone a short chubby one. Don't shoot the messenger brah. Ladies, if you're tired of your man taking all your jeans, you already know what to do. We're waiting for you. Its Fall 2012, and if you not layed up wit a chubby nigga, YOU are the one losing. Hoe.


Follow me on Twitter @ShowtimeFred. I'm team followback if you're funny or cute